By Morgan Perry
“Take me deeper where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.” -Oceans by Hillsong United
I had heard those lyrics over and over, but I never truly understood them. I would sing them, but I didn’t mean the words in my heart until 10 months ago.
I was at at Fields of Faith, and Oceans was the last song the band played. As those lyrics were sung, I prayed, “Okay, Lord, I’m ready to trust You completely! I want all of You!”
Now, let me explain my life during this time.
My mom was having a hard time and she turned to alcohol… She drank to the point of being drunk almost every night. It was really hard on my sister, Meg, and I. My dad was really angry with my mom for the choices she had been making, and sometimes it scared me. On the same night of Fields of Faith, I came home, expecting the same thing. About 30 minutes after I got there, my mom stumbles in and goes straight to the bathroom. She was in there for almost 15 minutes, and then she came out crying. I did what I always did. I put her in bed, gave her some ibuprofen, and a wet rag for her head. About 10 minutes later, she got up and walked into the kitchen. I followed her in there to check on her. She couldn’t even speak. Something was off. I looked at her and I noticed that her left side of her body was limp, she couldn't use that side. By this point, I knew what was happening. She had overdosed. I told Meg to call our dad and I called 911. By this time, my mom had fallen into my arms, unconscious, she was fading quickly. They were there in 10 minutes. It felt like a lifetime. After they got her off of me, I ran to my yard and threw up. It made me sick. In that moment, I didn’t care what happened. I felt like I had been chewed up and spit out. I didn’t understand why my mom’s life was so bad that she would chose this over me and meg.
My mom is alive. Thank God. She is 10 months sober. She is so full of life and joy! She has rededicated her life to Jesus. She is more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her!
If you're wondering how I am where I am today, my only answer I have for you is Jesus.
Let me clarify something. No I do not think that when I committed my trust to Him, He said “Yay, now I can make your mom attempt suicide!” I do not think my mom’s attempt in suicide was God’s way of allowing me to trust him more. I believe that Satan placed the desire of death in my mom, but HE DID NOT WIN! I believe that Jesus used this situation for good.
To be honest, yes, I was angry with God for a long time. If this was what trusting Him where my trust is without borders was like, I didn’t want to. I was fine with being comfortable.
For months, every time I heard Oceans, the anger that was rooted inside of me came to surface, and I would shut down. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my heart was in such a place to listen to the words. It wasn't until last Sunday, 10 months later, that I sang the song and meant it with my heart.
I’m in a place now where I can look back at that night and recognize how much evilness controlled my mom. Now, I can see the goodness that comes with the fight that had already been won on The Cross.
Trusting Jesus wholeheartedly isn't always easy, but when victory comes, it’s so worth it! It’s okay to be angry with God. He can take it. Don’t give the enemy power. He deserves none! He is here to kill, steal, and destroy. It’s not always easy to be real with other people, but do it. They deserve that. Love God. Love People. Choose Life. Fight for Freedom.